


Don't call it a fight when you know it's a war.

by darksideofthescreen (carrotsandcurly)



Series: On a street where reality is not much different from dreams I've had [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Depression, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 00:14:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1489615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrotsandcurly/pseuds/darksideofthescreen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton just wondered sometimes, how things would be like if he told one of the others about how he was struggling to breath sometimes. And not just because he was tierd or had been running too fast, but because his chest felt too tight to fill his lungs right. When it was as if he had a lump in his throat and a giant stone inside of his chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't call it a fight when you know it's a war.

**Author's Note:**

> So this in my new story-thingy? 
> 
> It's kinda sad and dark and just yea. 
> 
> Title from 'The City' by The 1975 
> 
> Enjoy x

The darkness around him was suffocating, and the shadows seemed to get closer by every second. It was as if the darkness wanted to get darker, wanted to turns so black that nothing else was seen. He could still see some of his hand right in front of him, but that was all. No lights, no clothes, because of  _fucking_ course he was wearing black clothes. He always was. And black clothes weren't exactly easy to see in a darkness so compact.

  
  


That's when the noises started, the sickening sounds of wailing, echoing through the dark. Making shivers run down his whole spine. And it wasn't just the usual waling of a person either, no, this was something else. Like a choir of people, all making the same sound in this creepy, sickening tone, treathening him. He couldn't even explain why, but the sound was a warning. A warning that something bad was going to happen if he didn't do something about it. Now

So he did the only thing he could think of. He screamed. Screamed until his lungs wouldn't take down any more air, until his voice turned hoarse and suddenly died. And then suddenly, he was alone.

No sounds, no nothing. The darkness was everything. Everything he could see, and feel. The darkness was making him numb. Trying to get to his insides and make him a part of the darkness around him.

  
  


” _Ashton!”_ he tried to turn around at the call. Tried to find where the voice came from. A voice that echoed in the distance.

  
  


” _Ashton!”_ it was stronger this time. And he could feel himself turn around, even though he had no clue of how, or why. Another call of his name and he opened his eyes, only to find not one, but all three of his band mates staring at him. He just couldn't do anything else but to stare right back at them. Too frightened to do anything else.

  
  


The room was dark, but oh so light, if you compared to the darkness he had just experienced. Ashton hadn't realized that he was crying until he felt a pair of strong arms around him. Another hand found it's way in to his hair, and one pair of hands quietly stroked his back.

  
  


”Shit” he whispered and closed his eyes to stop crying. It was embarrassing. He shouldn't be crying just because of a nightmare. He wasn't twelve anymore. He knew that dreams weren't real. But he had felt so helpless. As if the whole wide world was swallowing him whole. And it had scared the living shit out of him. He wasn't one to cry over nothing. And his band knew that. They knew him all too well.

  
  


”What's going on Ash?”

  
  


Ashton sniffed a little, trying to stop himself from sobbing. He didn't need that too. He just wanted this night to be done and over with.

  
  


”I had this dream, and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't breath because of all the darkness and it scared me I guess” he chuckled a little. It seemed so ridiculous when he said it out loud. But quick enough, he forgot to feel as if he was being dumb. But why had he been so scared? Of nothing at all. Maybe it was the fact that this was the third nightmare, this week alone, or the fact that he was stuck on a bus, god knows where, in America.

  
  


No one really said anything, but this was also the second time they had found him like this. They had no clue of what to do. The first time, they had tried to talk to him, but no words seemed to actually get through. It was as he was only half listening, lost somewhere inside of his own brain.

  
  


The next day, he had been the same old, happy, loving Ashton he had always been. But deep inside they all knew that the night had changed him inside. Even if it was just a little. It was so easy for them to just look at their best friend at notice that something wasn't as it usually was.

  
  


It wasn't that easy to fit four, not so very small boys into the tiny bunk that belonged to Ashton and it quickly became a little too hot. It was nice though, for Ashton, to have them all close to him. But he knew he simply could not ask them to stay with him. Both because there was literally no chance that they were all going to fit, and because he didn't want to seem weak. He was the oldest, and should not be the one that needed the others the most. But he was. And he knew it, he was just kind of disappointed that he couldn't be the strong one. He just wished he could protect his boys at all costs. And maybe it was actually better if he had nightmares than any one of the others.

  
  


”Do you want one of us to stay mate?” Calum said after a while, his hand still stroking through the other lad's hair softly.

  
  


Ashton looked at him and he no clue of what to say. Either he said yes, and had someone to make him feel less alone, but also make he feel more like a failure. Or he said no, and would have to spend the rest if the night alone, with only his thoughts as company. And his thoughts were never nice this late at night.

  
  


”Please” he whispered after a while, he didn't really care who it would be that was staying. As long as  _someone_ was staying with him. He couldn't stand the thought of being alone right now.

  
  


”Yes okay” Calum said before looking at the other two. They didn't really have to talk, they just agreed that Luke would stay, which was the easiest since he was embracing the older lad already. And they had both always been good at comforting each other. Being youngest and oldest was hard sometimes, and they both knew, even if it just was a little, how it felt for the other in some situations.

  
  


Calum said a quiet  _good night_ before he untangled himself from the others and made his way back to his own bunk to maybe try and catch some more sleep before they had to get up and face another hectic day of touring. Michael gave Ashton a side hug, a little awkwardly since Luke still was in the way before he followed Calums steps, but to his own bunk.

  
  


  
  


They didn't really say anything, just sat there quietly. Luke letting his friend finish with his crying before he let him go and layed down in the bunk. Ashton watched him, too tiered to really understand what to do, until he realized that he was supposed to lay down too.

  
  


It was a tight fit, but they made it work. Even if it meant that Ashton had to lay half on top of the other Australian. They were used to being close, so it didn't even feel a little weird. Even if some people would find it strange for two guys to sleep in the same bed  _on top of each other._

  
  


”Will you able to sleep?” Luke asked quietly

  
  


”Yeah I think so” Ashton didn't want him to worry. Even if he was sure that he would not be getting any sleep. Luke didn't need to know, there was no need to worry about something that would probably get better soon enough.

  
  


”Night then?”

  
  


”Yes, good night” he could actually feel it when Luke closed his eyes, and tried to even his breathing. It felt nice, to know that he had someone else there. Even if they were going to sleep and he was not.

  
  


***

  
  


They had this interview thing the next morning, nothing big really, just an American magazine that wanted a small article with them. And a couple of photos, but that was easily fixed.

  
  


So what if they tried their best to mess up each others photos, by making them laugh and do other silly faces? It was all just for fun any ways.

  
  


Ashton just wondered sometimes, how things would be like if he told one of the others about how he was struggling to breath sometimes. And not just because he was tiered or had been running too fast, but because his chest felt too tight to fill his lungs right. When it was as if he had a lump in his throat and a giant stone inside of his chest.

  
  


But he knew it was a bad idea to have them worrying about him like that. It wasn't as if something was seriously  _wrong_ or anything. He just kind of couldn't make his lungs take dawn any air sometimes. Which he actually knew wasn't normal, but it would probably pass. Why wouldn't it?

  
  


Luke had told him once about a friend of his, that had been feeling something similar, not that Luke knew that Ashton felt that way but what ever, and it had all passed for her. (Even if it had taken 3 years and a fuck-load of pills). Ashton just couldn't think of himself as sad. Why would he even be sad? He had a great life? Living his dreams with his best friends, what more was there to ask for?

  
  


Yet still, if he thought about it long enough, he knew that he wasn't sad all the time either. Seeing their fans and playing shows and just the whole  _band_  thing in general made him really happy. But at night when he was alone, all he could feel was loneliness. He  _knew_ he wasn't really alone for real. But if this band were to end, who would be there for him afterwards? Who would hold him and tell him that everything is alright? Even if they both knew it wasn't alright at all.

  
  


”Guys?” he said once they were back in their car, on their way to the place they were going to play tonight. He had heard Harry talk about it being  _absolutely fucking huge_  and he believed him. But Harry was very easily-impressed, and he always talked about that one European stadium they played once at the Take Me Home Tour, which they had played again this summer, twice. And it didn't matter where they went. All Stadiums were huge to Harry.

  
”Yes Ashton?” Calum said. He looked up to watch his mate, he had been doing yet another video for their fans just a few minutes ago, and it was still amazing to watch all the reactions they got from the fans.

  
  


”How big is that stadium?” he said. Wanting to break his  _stupid_ way of thinking.

  
  


”Well, bigger than the last one” Calum said with a cheeky smile. Immediately earning himself a laugh from the others.

  
  


Ashton laughed as well, and it felt nice. It was nice not to feel the weird feeling of loneliness once more. He felt done with it, and he started just a few weeks before, so maybe that was a good sign? Maybe he wouldn't be a lost case, and maybe it all just was something temporary, that would pass in a week or so. If he was lucky

***

A few days later, in another nameless town in the middle of fucking no where, Ashton found himself on the streets at 2AM. He wasn't sure why really, Liz had told them endless times to not go outside at night, and absolutely not all alone. But he couldn't sleep, and what was the harm any ways? He had walked home from a party in Sydney, so pissed he had to throw up twice, and still got home without getting harmed in any way.

  
  


Sure, this was another country and all, but he knew how to look after himself. Most of the time at least, and that was more than enough actually. And he was considered an adult, Liz couldn't really tell him to stay at the hotel. Although he knew his mum talked to her sometimes just to know he was behaving, and he wasn't that good at rebelling against his own mother. He respected her too much, especially since his father left- and  _no_ , he wasn't going to think of that again.

  
  


He flicked his lighter and lit one of the fags he had bummed from Zayn earlier the same night. Earning himself not only half the package but also a  _You okay ye?_ from a concerned looking Zayn. And his only answer had been to shrug and thank him.

  
  


He inhaled the toxic smoke and sighed in relief, the smoke filling his insides and calming him. As if the smoke could fill all the cracks inside of his torn up body. He felt sore, and as if everything was hurting, even if he had been doing nothing the previous day. Nothing at all but laying with all the other lads in the sofas at back of bus 1.

  
  


He could soon hear the laughter of another person and he let his gaze fall to the dirty ground where he was standing. He wasn't hiding per se, he just didn't want to have to face another person just yet. Which was why it was so annoying to have another person close enough ot himself that he could her the laughter, and the obvious drunkenness from the masculine voice.

  
  


He was so lost in his thoughts, and smoking, that he didn't notice the person behind him until a pair of hands found their way to his hips. Ashton didn't even have the time to react before another hand was put over his mouth, stoping him from making any sound at all. And to be honest, he had no intentions of doing it any ways. The shock taking over, leaving him unless, not even his thoughts had seemed to catch up with what had happened.

  
  


Not until he found himself in another alley, probably just the one next to his previous one, that's when he suddenly was so aware of the person holding him close, in a threat full manner. He tried, just a little, to squirm away from the hard grip, but only made the man behind him hold him closer.

  
  


”Now  _princess_ if you as much as think of running away from me, I will make this way more painful than it have to be” Ashton shivered, that wasn't good at all.  _Fuck fuck fuck fuck_

  
  


The nameless, and faceless, man pulled him in through a door, in to a room, which was more or less empty, a few rugs and a lonely chair was the only things to fill the emptiness. The man didn't let go of him once, not even when he locked the door, or when he made sure all the blinds where covering the windows.

  
  


The man then untied the Bandana from Ashtons head and moved it down until all Ash could see was black, a black that kind of matched how he felt inside. He wasn't even sure what was going on anymore. He was numb, not really feeling anything, he felt like a Ragdoll, one that couldn't feel for himself. It was weird to him to be able to disconnect everything and just kind of be. To have a man tie him up to a chair.

  
  


”I wouldn't take this personally if I were you” the man said softly in his ear and stroked a hand through Ashton's slightly greasy hair.

  
”Just consider it being way too pretty to be at a place like that at the time that you were okay  _princess_?” he was kissing behind his ear now, working the flannel open. And Ashton was just happy he didn't rip it or anything, because it was Luke's, and it wouldn't be fair to Luke if a stranger had ripped his shirt, just because Ashton had been a stupid little shit?

  
  


He didn't even care what the man would do to him, he probably did deserve it anyway, being so ungrateful when he had an amazing life. It was all Karma. He wasn't even scared as the stranger's hands moved to his fly and pulled the zipper down.

  
  


But when a fist collided with the meaty flesh of his stomach, he couldn't help but groan, it did hurt, and a lot. He didn't know what he had done to make the other man so angry, but the stranger was mumbling in a foreign language, and he appeared to be furious about something.

  
  


Another blow found it's way to his jaw, making Ashton bite down  _hard._ He could feel the blood fill up his mouth and he opened it again, only to feel some if it dribble out on his chin. His tongue hurt like hell and he knew that's where the blood came from.

  
  


” _Troja”_ the man muttered before he pulled down his own boxers, he had undressed Ashton before he threw the first hit.

  
  


Ashton was starting to realize what was about to happen by now and his mind had finally caught up on the situation and he was freaking out. He didn't want this, he was shaking with fear and he felt cold. Oh so cold and helpless. He just wished he had stayed home. Stayed in the comforting bed, and maybe in the comfort that came from sharing a bed with either one of his band mates.

  
  


How was he going to be able to tell them about this without being the weak one? How was he going to see himself as someone who was able to protect his best friends when he couldn't even go out by himself without doing something stupid and getting in to trouble.

  
  


When the man pushed inside of him, Ashton was already crying, full out sobbing and struggling to catch his breath. He wasn't even crying because the pain, even if it did hurt worse than he could have ever imagined, he was crying because deep inside, he knew that this was what he deserved.

  
  


A person who deserved all the pain in the world, that's what he was. He didn't even question why the man would do such a thing to him. All he knew was that he deserved it, simply just for being him. And he was somewhat  _glad_ that it was him and not someone else who didn't deserve this kind of treatment.

  
  


” _Sei bello, sei bello_ ” the man said, over and over, between moans , and Ashton had no clue of what it meant, but he knew he would never want to hear those word ever again.

  
  


When the man had finished and pulled put of him, Ashton had lost all energy, all he could do was to cry silently in to the already soaked Bandana that covered his eyes. He was so exhausted that he didn't even flinch when the man punched him again.

  
  


” _Mi dispiace”_ Ashton knew what that meant though, but he had no time to proceed the words before his tired body had to become a punching bag once again.

  
  


All Ashton could do now has to wish for his death to come soon, for the darkness to come and take him under it's wings and fly with him to the land of nothing. He didn't want to feel this pain. The pain and all the same and the utter uselessness that filled his insides. All he wanted to do was to just  _die._ Die there and then and not have to handle the consequences of this. He wanted to sleep, preferably in peace. And maybe forever

  
  


”I am going to leave now okay? And don't you dare removing the blindfold until you hear the door slam shut, do you understand?” something cold and solid was pressed to his forehead and Ashton broke out sobbing again. He was going to die now he was sure of it. Why would the man just leave him like this. He wished he could have said goodbye to his mum, and Harry and Lauren, and his best friends in the world and  _oh. He was going to_ _ **die**_ _without saying good bye to the love of his life._

  
  


” _Capishi?”_  the man said angrily and Ashton couldn't do anything else but nod. He was to terrified and ashamed, and somewhere deep inside, all he hoped for was that this was some kind of sick dream that he could wake up from.

  
  


He kept on sobbing even as the door slammed shut and he could hear nothing but his thoughts in the pushing silence. He didn't want to take the blindfold of, didn't want to face the truth. Didn't want to see everything that he could feel was hurting.

  
  


Hid hands wasn't even tied together anymore and he reached for the floor before he fell down from the chair, head first, and he could feel just how cold the floor was against his naked skin. He still couldn't stop the sobs that came from his chest and he was hiccuping because of it as well.

  
  


Ashton kept his eyes shut as he found his phone, even if the Bandana was still there. He kept them shut, forcing himself not to look at the scene he knew would haunt him forever. His hand seemed to move themselves as they called Calum.

  
  


Ashton kept his eyes shut as he sobbed in to the phone, and as he tried to form any words that could help explain what had happened or where he was. But he just couldn't make himself calm down enough to talk. Calum seemed to get in anyway and had woke someone from the security team up and had went to get him.

  
  


He kept his eyes shut when they came, he didn't even care that he wasn't wearing any clothes, or that it was  _so_ obvious what ha happened. The Bandana was removed from his eyes and he still refused to opened his eyes, so utterly terrified of having a place that would give him worse nightmares than the ones he already had. To know what the place, where his nightmares had become real looked like wasn't a priority of his, not at all.

  
  


Calum said nothing about it, but deep inside he knew, that when Ashton opened his eyes again, they would be nothing like they had been before. They would not glow, and they would do nothing to hide the broken boy they belonged to.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry! 
> 
> Come yell at me all you like x
> 
> Im @fairybreadluke on twitter if you rather yell there. 
> 
> or xxlashtonxx.tumblr.com


End file.
